Transcript.

Hey there lovely parent. First I just want to say thanks for all you do for your child. As an athlete, coach and parent I know how big your commitment can be, so, thank you for supporting your kids goals.

In this podcast I want to give some tips and approaches when it comes to that tricky time of transitioning into higher level competition. Usually thats around 13-15 but can also be switching to a travel team or higher level commitment team, something like that.

So whats the deal? Well, You have watched your child grow in their independence and skill.

You are their biggest fan and support. You drive them, buy the gear, pay the fees, keep them fed. Maybe you coach, maybe there are extra sessions. You do all this because you want them to succeed, you want to raise a kind, well rounded human, and most of all you just want them to be happy.

With each new level and age group, you have seen them adjust, learn and find success. But this jump, this season or team, things are different.

There seems to be more pressure, things matter more and the competition seems harder. Your athlete or performer has always put in the effort, but now they are really struggling. They find success during practice, but could be seen crying, upset, feeling sick or “chocking” come race day.

Looking back maybe its always been there, but never this bad. And what’s worse you now see it in other areas of life too like school presentations, band performances, socially or other pressure situations. You wonder how to help.

Well, today I got you. I have some tips and approaches that can help you be that that stable landing pad your athletic family needs during this big transition.

1 Normalize and validate their feelings. If they went from a big fish in a little pond to not being the big fish, its hard. Even if you guys discussed it, and that is the point, to feel it can be really hard. Yet that doesn’t mean it was the wrong decisions.

AND if their coach said they are ready- Its just about executing to their skill level. There is no big magic jump expected or needed. Just keep dinging what you do.

2 Zoom out bigger than sport. Whats the bigger goal than sport? success in adulthood, continuation in the sport for many other reasons than just outcomes (fun, fitness, friends, life skills, mental skills, how to be a teammate etc)

Another way to frame this is using the philosophy from the double goal coach.(Linked in the notes) The goals are winning and learning life skills. Both are important and equal. And parents can be critical in upholding the growth and life skills aspect depending on the specific sport culture your child is in.

Another perspective is from the book Ethics in sport (linked) where it is stated that the highest goal in sport is to test yourself against a true equal. Its the test, the competition not only the result that matters.

And finally- Bringing in the idea of the resonance/performace cycle. This theory simply says that we have to revisit our why, our purpose and dream, before we head back to the grindstone after a setback. This age if jumping up in level could be an important time to revisit and solidify their why when setbacks occur.

3 Practice Personal self regulation/stay steady- Check in on how stressful things are for you in general and surrounding your Childs sport world. Don’t get me wrong, being an adult, a parent is way harder than they lead on. And there is always a curveball or real life issue going on.  Its never simple. AND how is your regulation affecting your child. Babies co regulate off their caregiver physically. Kids regulate off adults and we continue to corrugate across the lifespan.

Yes its the physical coregulation of hugs and touch (if they are ok with that, but its also accepting them as they are (when its relatively safe etc), And staying steady when they are having big feelings. Its so easy to get triggered by one of their triggers, but staying steady can change the whole dynamic. Link in show notes

4 Tips to Frame stress for kids. This one Im going to keep really short and simple. Turn stress into a problem to be solved together, when appropriate. Help them see “always” and “never” thinking. Ask how the situation could be better, how it could be worse, help them identify if there is an action to take or a feeling to feel. Keep the focus factual and present.

5 Give them a sanctuary. Focus energy on supporting their competence, choice and your relationship with them. Show unconditional positive regard regardless of their results. I am not in any way implying you guys are out there punishing them for a loss but its more about staying connected and steady. Help them understand that achievement come from effort but effort does not always bring the desired outcomes. This is where helping them find real meaning in the effort and process is helpful, even critical when an athlete misses time because of injury.

To really get to the heart of this I am going to read an excerpt from the book “Parenting freak ability” by Ian Anderson and Mark Dobson. This is the story of a swimmer Merike who is trying to qualify for the olympics. (story read on audio only.)

So as the parents reflected- Yes know your kid, their style, their needs, and also prioritize being that safe place, that steady relationship and a place they can leave the pressure at the door. They are more than just an athlete they are your favorite person, or one of your very favorite people in the whole would and that comes first.

Citations and Resources:

Coregulation with kids/teens

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/co-regulation-helping-children-and-teens-navigate-big-emotions-202404033030#:~:text=Known as self-regulation, such,self-regulation skills in kids.

https://devzone.positivecoach.org/

Book: Ethics in Sport Third Edition by William J J. Morgan

Resonance Performance Model, Newburg

https://www.researchgate.net/figure/The-resonance-performance-model-Newburg-2002_fig1_240239729

Book: Parenting Freak Ability by Ian Pope and Mark Dobson